Life's great, you're calm and composed, then—Ka-Pow!—a manipulative mother-in-law, well-meaning friend, or intimidating mechanic with a three-day beard and tattoo send it all crashing down by pushing an easy-to-reach button. In this installment of “Zen Mind Tricks,” Nancy Elkes, a yoga teacher at Practice Yoga in New York City, shows us how to use the power of self-control to calm down and get what we want without flying off the handle.
Your mechanic is stalling
Yoga is not always for softies. Elkes has a tough-love yoga policy: “Be present or leave.” She applies it to yoga students who do things like chew gum and distract the class. And in very rare cases (two to be exact), she asked a student to leave. So how does this tough yogi recommend confronting a mechanic who won’t have your car ready until he gets around to it?
Start with an affirmation. “I like the work you do and I want to send my friends to you.” Then, Elkes says, state your case and the possible outcome clearly. “If you cannot finish the job this week, you are forcing me to find someone else who will.”
If confrontation is stressful for you, Elkes says you can bolster your confidence in yoga class. “In my class, I say ‘I know you have more strength than that. I should see you suffer before you put your hands down,’” she says. Yoga teaches you that you cannot terminate a relationship or a pose when the going gets rough. “You need to express your needs. If that’s hard for you, prepare 10 minutes before you get to the mechanic’s shop and collect yourself,” Elkes says. “Breathe deeply.” Simply say on the inhale, ‘I am breathing in,’ and on the exhale, ‘I am breathing out.’”
Your friend insulted you
That comment she made about your beliefs was totally uncalled for. Don’t let it rattle you. Elkes recommends the Lake Meditation. The point is to feel rooted like a plant in a lake—touched by ripples on the water’s surface but disturbed by no major upheaval. And the placid lake is always reflective, so the emotions your friend projects bounce right off you.
1. Sit or stand comfortably.
2. Raise your arms over your head with the palms facing down.
3. Women should place the right palm on top of the left, men should do the opposite.
4. Take a breath in through your nose. Feel your breath go from your feet all the way up to your hands.
5. Exhale through the nose and feel your breath drip from your hands down to your feet.
6. Empty all your breath out and hold it out for up to 10 seconds. (Pregnancy high blood pressure, and glaucoma are contraindications to holding the breath out.) Concentrate on the fact that your friend has usually been great to you and your next breath will come.
7. Stay for 1-3 minutes (1 minute if you are peeved, 3 or more if you are really upset).
Your mother-in-law publicly criticizes you
The last thing you want to do is aggravate the situation and poison the relationship for the years (yes, years) to come. Edward Vilga, author of the book and companion DVD Yoga In Bed, suggests politely excusing yourself to the bathroom and massaging your scalp for a good 5 minutes. “Take your fingers at your hairline and massage there. Then run them through your scalp and all the way down your shoulders,” Vilga says. “This is tactfully pleasing but you can add the visualization that you are washing out the difficult history. A gentle personal touching reconnects you with yourself and won’t leave you feeling like a leper.” Remain optimistic and loving and your mother-in-law is likely to become less aggressive. You can then focus on why the family is together and less on the mindless matters that can be used as a wedge.
